traffic.

traffic makes you do funny things.

i often compare the feelings that arise during extreme holiday congestion to dealing with a death of a loved one.

let's look at my thought process and see if this fits. none of this is directed outward. it comes out in loud singing, biting sarcasm, or cursing quietly to myself. i am saved only by my tiny bladder.

stages of grief.

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose.

i usually don't arrive at the last stage until i am at my destination.

sorry, rochester.

the two parter. petty theft and thanksgiving.

*tonight, because of the vast differences of the subjects i'd like to mention, i'm dividing this blog post into two.
**exaggeration is funny.
***i don't like cops.

petty theft.

before i tell a short, funny story, i would like to say that tampa is an interesting place. it's population of more than 380,000 residents enjoy the pleasures and (most likely) discourage the tropical climate. according to wikipedia, which is a highly regarded research tool, tampa is called the "lightning capital of the world." i recently read a subplot in a novel about a women who wrote an interview type book about people all over the world who had been struck by lightning. can someone please do that? for me?
anyways, here's what happened in tampa. the singer for a band i cannot mention (to avoid getting sued...again) was EXTREMELY intoxicated. adam knew the right thing to do was to drive her minivan to the hotel we were staying at (keep your head out of the gutter) and let her sober up until she could drive herself home. quinn gave us directions to a motel 6 that didn't exist. adam, the girl, and the girl's minivan, along with me and the cavalier, lost each other through endless turns and skipped stop signs. i found them surrounded by five cop cars. as it turns out, after asking for directions, a city worker on a bike stole the purse from the girl's lap in the middle of his talking and sped away. this abyss that we could not get ourselves out of turned out to be the "projects of tampa" and were told by officers how stupid we were to be there. the obviously sober girl started to yell and curse at the police which made an equally drunk, but more coherent adam seem like a stand up citizen by comparison. apparently, her purse and the items inside are being traded for crack and/or money for crack right about now and there's nothing we can do about it. we probably wouldn't anyways, considering tampa is full of sketchy characters. the night ended with the deafening cries of a twenty two year old bartender who asked me repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly where her camera was. (it was in her purse. go figure.) adam and i had to sleep in one of the beds while she was lucky enough to not be kicked out by me and continued to sob into the early morning hours in her own comfy cloud-like slumber. thank you drunk girl.

thanksgiving

i try not to be the cliche musician guy, but i can't help caring for others that truly need some help.

here are some things you should look more into this coming holiday season...starting with this:

www.consciousalliance.org

"It is our goal to collect and distribute one million pounds of food to America’s hungry both in cities and on impoverished American Indian Reservations. Once we reach that goal, we hope to collect and distribute one million pounds of food per year every year thereafter. We are confident we can reach our goal!"

and finally...i can't mention this enough...

www.freerice.com

The rice you donate makes a huge difference to the person who receives it. According to the United Nations, about 25,000 people die each day from hunger or hunger-related causes, most of them children. Though 20 grains of rice may seem like a small amount, it is important to remember that while you are playing, so are thousands of other people at the same time. It is everyone together that makes the difference. Thanks to you, FreeRice has generated enough rice to feed more than two million people since it started in October 2007. Increase your vocabulary and donate rice with each right answer. SIMPLE.

there are others, but they aren't appropriate for the food related posts. if you know of any others, feel free to put them in the comments section so other can see them. even if you have nothing, you can still give something. <---i want that copyrighted.

~zach

m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i.

mississippi is great, don't get me wrong. the drive from austin to hattiesburg is the best opportunity to listen to tom waits constantly. there are, however, some strange laws. here are a few:

If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.

No one may bribe any athlete to “rig” a game, match, tournament, etc.

It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.

One may be fined up to $100 for using “profane language” in public places.

Private citizens may personally arrest any person that disturbs a church service.

Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.

Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.

Adultery or Fornication (living togeather while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.

Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $250 fine.

Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.

It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.


i'm really hoping i don't come in contact with a homeless liar who is constantly swearing and talking about polygamy in a mascot uniform having sex with an unmarried female triathlete while riding my horse on the street after rounding up my neighbor's cows on a sunday morning by a church anytime soon.

Counterfeit Cops. A Play By Zach Tipton.

this is a play no one will perform that is an exaggeration of a situation that happened to us the day after the phoenix show. some dialogue never occurred.

Cast:

Adam: (dark, hairy, bearded man in his low to mid 20's)
Zach: (pale, skinny, bearded man in his low to mid 20's...sexy)
Cop 1: (short, pudgy white man in his late 40's)
Cop 2: (tall, african american with a stern demeanor in his mid 30's)
Cop 3: (medium height, mustached, sarcastic in his early 40's)

Wardrobe:

Adam: boxers. (must be comfortable with near nudity)
Zach: gym shorts, no underwear, glasses.
Cops 1-3: uniforms that fit accordingly.

Props:

~keys
~suitcases
~a 2001 Chevy Cavalier

Setting:

Phoenix, AZ. Early morning hours. Sunny. Dumpy Motel 6.

knocking at the door. silence. louder knocking on the door.

Adam: (sleepy) Zach, wake up.
Zach: ugh...no.
Adam: Someone's at the door.
Zach: Fuck you.
LOUD knocking.
(Zach gets up slowly and answers the door. Cops 1-3 enter scene.)

Cop 1: Are you Mr. Tipton?
Zach: Um...yes.
Cop 1: Do you know why we're here today, Mr. Tipton?
Zach: No idea. Adam, have I done anything illegal in the past week?
Adam: Ha...I don't think so.
Cop 2: What did you pay with last night, Mr. Tipton?
Zach: (awake and alert now) Let's see...a fifty and a twenty. Yep. That sounds right.
Cop 1: Did you know that the fifty dollar bill you paid for was counterfeit?
Adam: Are you serious?!
Zach: What?! I had no idea. At all. We paid with the money we were given after the show.
Cop 3: Let us see the money you received then.
Zach: Okay, let me go get it.
(nervously rummages through his backpack)
Cop 2: Are you guys in a rock band or something?
Adam: Yeah, we're going to Las Cruces tomorrow.
Cop 3: What's the name of your band then?
Zach: Young Coyotes. The name of this band is Young Coyotes. (laughs)
Cop 1: This isn't funny.
Zach: No, you're right. It's not.
Cop 3: Do you realize how serious of a situation this is?
Zach: Yes, I do. I think it's a crazy situation though. Sorry.
Adam: (sleepily) I can't believe this.
Cop 2: Sir, put your hands behind your back.
Zach: Adam, quick! Get his gun!
Cop 3: Oh, shit! (Cop 3 gets out his gun but it fumbles in his hand. proceeds to kick it further away each time he bends down.)
Cop 1: Let me help you, Steve! (As Cop 1 bends to help Cop 3, they bump heads and both pass out. Coconut sound optional.)
Zach: Get your hands off of me, pig! (Zach does roundhouse kick to Cop 2's face)
Adam: Fuck you, Pig! (Adam proceeds to grab Cop 2 from the floor and drag him out of the motel room. Zach quickly grabs all of the suitcases in the room and kicks all three cops in various places while exiting. Adam punches Cop 2 in the face, knocking him out cold.)
Zach: Adam! The keys!
(Adam throws keys from second story)
Adam: Quick! Let's get the hell out of here!
Zach: Who's driving?
Adam: I don't know, you wanna drive?
Zach: Not really.
Adam: Let's flip for it.
Zach: Head or tails?
Cop 2: (weak) This is officer...need back...up...now.
Both (Adam and Zach): (Both look at each other) Ah!
(They get into the car and drive into the morning sunrise)

THE END.

DECEMBER 4TH. DAYTROTTER SESSION.

arizona.

i know the millions of you following have been aching to hear my thoughts as of late, but not much as happened besides everyday touring routines i.e. driving, playing, sometimes selling merch, doing mescaline in the desert.

we are in scottsdale/tempe/phoenix right now and the thing i look forward to the most tonight will be trying to see these clearly:

seeing pictures of the universe is probably one of the reasons why i decided not to paint. it's never going to look as nice.

a is for adam.
r is for raising arizona...which is a movie everyone should see.
i is for the idiot drivers we encounter.
z is for zach. that's me.
o is for orion's belt. which is an easy to spot constellation.
n is for nature, which people need to pay more attention too. (i don't mean in the eco-friendly way, although that's good too.)
a is for afterthought. here's one: read more because it'll keep you enlightened.

~zach

getting to know one another. (haiku)

salt lake city
land of confusing street layout
get me out now

make the best of it
by having a magic time
lost in mormon town

boise is much better
a bohemian utah
if there was such a thing

long drive to seattle
had to stop after a while
now we wait for tonight